Posted: Saturday 31 December 2016
So you're a brand new uni student, settling into life without any supervision, rules or guidance. Sounds like a standard week.
Emanates the ultra nice persona of a potential serial killer. Smells like biscuits and moral values. Last seen wearing sandals and a very sensible jumper. Very kind. Too kind. Will pay for your bus fare on a night out and will never ask for the money back. Worry.
Definitely hiding something in their room, probably a hamster but possibly also a corpse. Expect awkward conversations and no eye contact. One day they’ll stop coming home. You’ll realise two months later… and wonder.
Did very well at A Level which makes no sense. Likes cashmere, caviar and calling you ‘Boy.’ Dislikes cleaning, literacy and baked beans. Will probably return home, three weeks into term, after a laundry related disaster. Most likely to say; ‘has anyone see my linen trousers?’
Wakes up before 6. Enjoys this. Refuses to eat carbohydrates and insists on sharing protein powder recipes at the pub. Most likely to drink a slimline gin and tonic or lime and soda without shame. Great body though.
The goldmine of people to meet at Fresher’s. Pronounces words funny and says things like ‘scran’- these are not words. Doesn’t feel the cold. Will always bottle somebody for you if necessary. Also hilarious and hardy, perfect for piggy-backs.
Probably faux Bhuddist. Discovered themselves in Peru. Only wears sustainable clothing. Has a story that will beat every single one of yours. Has found themselves. You’re just jealous.
Mary Berry is a personal hero. Makes everybody fat. So nice that you find yourself shelling out for flour to sustain a raging baking habit. Never cleans the kitchen. Never leaves the kitchen. Makes a mean flapjack though.
Probably pre-med. Always tired. Dark circles under the eyes. Leaves the house at crazy o’clock and comes back at 3am. Their room smells funny; like red bull, pop tarts and despair. Always offer them coffee.
Likes to embrace herbal products. Wears sustainable clothing that smells vaguely like mothballs. Never sit next to this person at a dinner party. Refuses to bathe because it’s not natural, but owns the latest laptop and phone.
Excellent in very small doses. Will make you laugh. Will embarrass you. Will sleep with your girlfriend. Will apologise eventually and then cry in your arms whilst you watch Frozen and talk about their ex for the 90th time. Let it go indeed.
Met at the first social, have been attached at the hip (and mouth) ever since. Everyone thinks they’re sweet, but two weeks in he’ll freak out because he feels tied down, they’ll break up and the remaining three years of uni will be a hellish whirlwind of perpetual break-ups and make-ups…. Good luck.
Not a DJ. Will never be a DJ. Don’t let the decks and low riding jeans fool you. Never invite this one to a party; they will insist on bringing their vintage vinyl’s and making you listen to some ‘excellent’ transitions. Just kill them now; it’s the only way you’ll make it out alive.